


Tachikoma Nights

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Ghost in the Shell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-17
Updated: 2007-12-17
Packaged: 2018-01-25 07:25:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1638806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So when the noisiest of Tachikoma asked the question, and their OS didn't raise red flags forbidding further discussion, all of the Tachikoma rolled forward, gathering around the antique television that they used for communal voyeuristic explorations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tachikoma Nights

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  1) The definition quoted here is from Wikipedia.   
> 2) I may have gone a little overboard on the pop-culture references. Here are all the ones the Tachikoma were consciously lifting from (I did my best to quote directly from the text, but there were a few places where summaries had to be made and some of the phrasing in my version of the X manga was very awkward for an audience who might not recognise it):   
>  Moulin Rouge - Baz Luhrmann (though of course that was from a collection of songs)   
>  Romeo and Juliet - Will Shakespeare   
>  X/1999 - CLAMP   
>  Final Fantasy VII - Square   
>  The Princess Bride - S. Morgenstern   
> 3) I played a little fast and loose with Tachikoma chronology - the Tachikoma days episodes where they spied on everyone going to bed occurred after they had been decommissioned and got their halos.   
> 4) Thanks to maebmij for support and betaing for me.
> 
> Written for Ghost in the Peel

 

 

It all started out (as these things often do) with the Tachikoma giving in to their curiosity.

"Gentlemen! What does the Major do when she goes home at night?"

It was the noisiest of Tachikoma who asked the question that they'd all been very silently pondering since they had learnt that Batou-san drank a beer after his bath but before he took out his artificial eyeballs and went to bed, and that Ishikawa-san removed his beard before sleeping. But none of the other Tachikoma would have dared to even devote more than a few cycles of processing time to speculation about the Major, let alone suggest that they properly research her. She was sacrosanct; the Tachikoma didn't ask questions of or about her while she was at Section 9, there was no way any of them (bar the noisiest) would ever consider (out loud) contemplating her home life.

But the Tachikoma A.I. was more curious than most - they were allowed and even encouraged to be curious only so far as it didn't lead to them questioning orders.

So when the noisiest of Tachikoma asked the question, and their OS didn't raise red flags forbidding further discussion, all of the Tachikoma rolled forward, gathering around the antique television that they used for communal voyeuristic explorations.

"Look! Look! There's the Major!" cried the most serious of Tachikoma, the one that was usually piloted by the Major, cheerfully.

"You're right!" declared the most bookish of Tachikoma. "and I'll be! That's the Major's apartment!"

Somehow the noisiest of Tachikoma had failed to get a front-row view of the television. It bounced behind the others excitedly. "I wanna see! I wanna see!"

The more serious Tachikoma crossed its arms and nodded. "So, the Major doesn't drink anything after she gets out of the bath... That's so typical..."

All the Tachikoma nodded seriously at this.

"And she hasn't put any bedclothes on; her cybernetic body probably doesn't feel the cold! Talk about efficient!"

They all nodded once more.

"She's climbing into bed!" The noisiest of Tachikoma waved its arms enthusiastically.

There was a long pause as they all watched what happened next, accepting the new data input and cross-correlating it with their files on the Major.

"Did you see that?" The noisiest of Tachikoma asked quietly of the others.

"The Major does not go to bed alone..." the others all whispered back, their heads tilted to the side curiously.

There was another long pause. "So, what are they doing?"

The most bookish of Tachikoma waved its dictionary threateningly. "Sexual intercourse, also called coitus, is the human form of copulation. While its primary purpose is the reproduction and continued survival of the human species, it is often performed exclusively for pleasure and/or as an expression of love and emotional intimacy."

"Ooh", the Tachikoma all nodded, accessing the relevant files in their databanks and processing this new information.

After a moment the most serious of Tachikoma raised a claw and said, "But if both the participants are fully cybernetic, there is no real pleasure or reproduction that can occur. It is only a simulation of the sexual intercourse if you have a cyber body."

"Hmm", the Tachikoma pondered this for a long moment, before the noisiest spoke up once more.

"Then it must be that they are making love!"

"Ahh", the Tachikoma all nodded, save for the sleepiest of Tachikoma, which snored loudly, blowing a bubble out of its snout.

The most serious of Tachikoma tilted its eye cluster to one side and raised a hand once more, "What is love?"

All of the Tachikoma took to netdiving to see if they could find an answer. The noisiest of Tachikoma was (as is often the case) the first to respond: "Love is a many-splendoured thing; love lifts us up where we belong; all you need is love!"

The Tachikoma all stopped their explorations long enough to stare at the noisiest of Tachikoma for a minute until it started to blush embarrassedly. As it shuffled to the back of the group the most bookish of Tachikoma rolled up to the head, a bottle of oil in its claws. It gestured for the other Tachikoma to follow it towards the sleepiest of Tachikoma.

It looked down at the sleepiest of Tachikoma most dramatically, and started speaking in iambic pentameter.

"Ah, dear Juliet, why art thou yet so fair? Shall I believe, That unsubstantial death is amorous, And that the lean abhorred monster keeps Thee here in the dark to be his paramour? Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you, the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss A dateless bargain to engrossing death! Here's to my love!" The Tachikoma took a swig of the oil and then its legs wobbled and it fell before the sleeping Tachikoma. "O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss, I die." The most bookish of Tachikoma let its legs slide out from under it and switched its eyes off, pretending to be dead.

A quick burst of static in the Tachikoma-net signalled the sleepiest of Tachikoma awakening, downloading the information the others presented about the role it was to play and then getting to its feet to look down at the 'deadest' of Tachikoma with some surprise. It poked at the oil bottle with one claw.

"What's here? A cup closed in my true love's hand? Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end."

The noisiest of Tachikoma feel over with a clatter as it watched the play unfolding, it being the only one of the think tanks not to download the script to follow along, and being surprised at the way events were unfolding.

The sleepiest of Tachikoma went on in a drowsy tone, "yea, noise? then I'll be brief. Oh happy dagger!" it grabbed the 'deadest' of Tachikoma's gun arm and aimed it at itself, "this is thy sheathe." There was a dramatic pause and then the Tachikoma cried out, "Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!" in its best imitation of a gunshot noise, before falling to the ground twitching beside the other 'dead' Tachikoma.

After a moment it started snoring again.

"Ah", said the noisiest of Tachikoma, "so love is killing yourself to be with the dead person you like best, if you have a Ghost!" A beat. "But what if the person you like is still alive?"

The most serious of Tachikoma projected the image of a storm of cherry blossoms into the visual fields of the other Tachikoma as it rolled forward, dragging the quietest of Tachikoma away from the manga it had been reading in the corner and making it stand opposite so that it looked like the two of them were fighting.

"The Dragon of Earth, Kamui, told me that only I can fulfil your wish, but that is different from what I am thinking." The most serious of Tachikoma spoke in an amused but somewhat detached voice, as it raised its gun arm to point at the other. "Isn't your wish to kill me?"

The quietest of Tachikoma hesitated for a moment, thinking back to its manga and looking defeated, its arms hanging loosely at its side. "No, you're wrong."

There was a long pause as even the dimmest of Tachikoma became aware of the tension between the two of them. Then there was a bright flash of light and a bang (provided by the most electrically talented of the Tachikoma, who had hacked the garage's control system) and suddenly the most serious of Tachikoma was kneeling before the machine gun arm of the quietest, which stood as if stunned by the sudden reversal of their situation.

It leaped forward and caught the most serious of Tachikoma before it could fall any further. "What happened? Why?"

The most serious of Tachikoma seemed to struggle to answer. "Your sister's last spell... When I tried to kill you, the same way that I killed your sister, it would come back to me." It started to slide forward.

"You killed Hokuto-chan and disappeared right in front of me... That's why I wanted to be killed by you. Even if you forget that you killed me, even if I'm one of the many of the Sakura... For one moment, I wanted to matter to you."

The most serious of Tachikoma cheered somewhat. "Because you're too kind, you weren't ready to kill someone." The two Tachikoma leaned in closer to each other as the most serious of Tachikoma spoke once more: "Subaru, I ... you." It feel down 'dead', and the quietest of Tachikoma gasped suddenly, as it had clearly heard the soft word whispered between them that the other Tachikoma were not privy to.

"You always say the words that I'm not expecting", it said, hugging the other Tachikoma gently.

"Aha!" the noisiest of Tachikoma leaped forward once more, "so love is killing the person you like best because that's the only way to make their Ghost happy!"

"I don't think that's what the scene means", the most bookish of Tachikoma answered.

"What if love is watching someone else kill the person you like best?" the most serious of Tachikoma asked, as the most aggressive of Tachikoma jumped from the top of the tallest platform in their garage, stabbing the most peaceful of Tachikoma from behind. As the most peaceful of Tachikoma fell forward, the pink ribbon on its antenna came undone and a small green orb fell from it to the ground.

"What if love is only hurting the person you like best and not killing them?" the noisiest of Tachikoma suggested as it pushed the most bookish of Tachikoma off the top ramp into the garage.

The most bookish of Tachikoma tumbled wildly, calling to the noisiest of Tachikoma, "As... You... Wish..." before landing at the bottom of the ramp in a heap.

"What if! What if! What if!" The noisiest of Tachikoma called out to the now rather rowdy group of Tachikoma, before the door to the garage opened and Batou walked in.

"What is going on in here?"

All of the Tachikoma instantly fell silent, and the noisiest of Tachikoma rolled up to the soldier without looking the slightest bit apologetic. "We were all trying to fall in love, Batou-san, like the Major."

Batou raised one eyebrow but wisely decided not to ask. "The Major's not in love. Go to bed."

"But Batou-san!"

"Go to bed and I'll give you this natural oil I was saving for a good Tachikoma."

Within three seconds all of the Tachikoma were nestled in their recharging stations and beginning the overnight shutdown protocols. But Batou only walked up to the noisiest of Tachikoma and gave it the natural oil. It sighed happily, stretching to allow the lubricant to spread to all of its joints and moving parts, repairing the most gentle of the day's wear and tear.

Batou nodded at the bunch of them and walked back to the door. "And I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense about love from you lot!"

"Yes, Batou-san!" the Tachikoma called obediently, processing the order and resolving not to talk about love in front of Batou-san anymore.

Batou turned out the lights and left the Tachikoma to shut down. The last sleepy thought sent out from the noisiest of Tachikoma before synchronisation was perhaps the most profound they would ever articulate: "Love is getting natural oil from the person you like best."

Epilogue

The Major's heels clacked authoritatively as she walked down the tiled hallway that led to Aramaki's office. She rapped on the door and stepped inside without waiting for a response.

The Chief of Section 9 was sitting behind his desk, no doubt reading over the report that she'd sent him only a few minutes earlier, a worried expression on his face. "Are you sure about all this?"

Kusanagi nodded, a little reluctantly. "To make a long story short, the Tachikoma have developed far too quickly. They've developed a sense of self as autonomous individuals. And it doesn't stop there. They're starting to have questions about life and death and have begun to have questions regarding their own state of being. Coupled with their newfound obsession with love, it can only mean one thing."

Aramaki raised a thin eyebrow.

"The Tachikoma have hit puberty."

 

 

 


End file.
